If I were a fast man

 Oh, Lord, you made many, many slow people

I realize, of course, it's no shame to be slow
But it's no great honor either!
So, what would have been so terrible if I could run super fast?

If I were a fast man
Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum
All day long, I'd biddy biddy bum
If I were a speedy man
I wouldn't have to train hard
Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum
If I were a biddy biddy fast yidle-diddle-didle-didle man

I'd scale a big, tall hill with rocks by the dozen
Right in the middle of the route
A fine wide trail with real flat areas below
There would be one long trail just going up
And one even longer coming down
And one more leading nowhere, just for show

I'd fill my office with plaques and medals and awards
For all the running friends to see and hear
Gushing just as noisily as they can
And each loud of the"gee", be it "gow", be it "geh", be it "guh"
Would land like a trumpet on the ear
As if to say, "Here lives a speedy man"

If I were a fast man
Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum
All day long, I'd biddy biddy bum
If I were a speedy man
I wouldn't have to train hard
Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum
If I were a biddy biddy fast yidle-diddle-didle-didle man

I hear my wife, my Debbie, talking like a fast man's wife
With a proper bunch of praise
Observing races to her heart's delight
I see her putting on airs and strutting like a peacock
Oy, that would really be me
Screaming at other racers, day and night

The most important runners in town would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to advise them like Kipchoge the Fast
"If you please, Runner Dan..."
"Pardon me, Runner Dan..."
Suggesting races that would cross a Kenyan’s eyes!
And it won't make one bit of difference if I answer right or wrong
When you're fast, they think you really know!

If I were fast, I'd have the time that I lack to sit in the track stadium to watch
And maybe have a seat in the upper deck
And I'd discuss the workouts with the fastest men, several hours every day
And that would be the sweetest thing of all

If I were a fast man
Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum
All day long, I'd biddy biddy bum
If I were a speedy man
I wouldn't have to train hard
Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum

Lord, who made the Kenyan and the Turtle
You decreed I should be what I am
Would it spoil some vast eternal plan
If I were a speedy man?