Smashmouth Running

Here’s the sequence of events – complete with causality - as best I can describe them.

Dan with Angelina Lips

1. I started running about forty years ago. In the process, I also managed to get old. This caused
2. Plantar Fasciitis (PF) every now and then, including the latest bout that began a year and a half ago whilst attempting some speedwork on a treadmill. This caused
3. Slow Disease (SD). SD is insidious in that it enables me to continue running, albeit only very slowly. Time passed, but the SD continued. This caused
4. Disappointing times in races and workouts and general frustration. This caused
5. An attempt at a speed workout on the track about a month and a half ago. It was my first time at the track in months, so the SD was rearing its ugly head. I forged on anyway, and this caused
6. Me to pull something in my butt. It could be piriformis syndrome or some form of sciatica, but I prefer to simply call it Butt Syndrome (BS). This caused
7. Me to change my gait, however little, since I no longer had a full range of motion. This caused
8. Even more SD, and even more disappointing race results. Among these was the Cleveland Marathon of last week. This caused
9. Me to take several days off, something I hadn’t done since my previous debacle, the Jacksonville Marathon. This caused
10. General malaise, but then I actually began to feel a bit better. The PF was subsiding, and even the BS became a little better. Too bad the SD only got worse. All this caused
11. An urge to get out and run again. So I did six on Thursday, took Friday off, and then met up with some friends for a nice little run on the towpath Saturday. The plan was to run from Lock 29 to Station Road Bridge and back for an easy 14-miler. Patti Tomasello and Shari Geiger had turned back earlier, whilst Donna Hofmeister, Dave Gajewski, Jack McDaniel and I continued on to the Station Road Bridge area, took a break and then began to saunter back south to Lock 29. Things were going swimmingly, except for one minor, itsy-bitsy little problem. I still didn’t have full range of motion in my left leg due to the lingering effects of the BS. This caused
12. My foot to find the one board that was one-sixteenth of an inch above the rest, on the small wooden bridge we were traversing about nine miles into our run. This caused
13. Me to stumble forward. This caused
14. Me to grab onto the handrail on the side of the bridge to avoid falling directly, face-first, onto the bridge. This caused
15. Me to swing around to the right, smashing my face - especially my mouth - directly into the side of the bridge, rather than the floor. It also caused
16. Me to twist my butt, further hurting my BS. Naturally I was now flat on my back (how did I get there?) looking up at my friends, who all seemed very concerned (why weren’t they laughing their heads off?) This caused
17. Me to pause. Points 12 through 16 had taken all of a half-nanosecond, but had seemed to take place over hours or days. Now time was passing normally once again. I got up and hobbled back to Lock 29. My friends were nice enough to run slow to stay with me. This caused
18. Me to take some more time off, beginning today.