Picking them up, putting them down

The phrase, Picking them up, putting them down is usually a mantra for what to do with your feet in order to run. Usually... It takes on a slightly different meaning here.

It's pitch dark as I jog away from the Michigan City Holiday Inn Express. Yet the traffic whizzes by and there isn't much room on the sides of the roads. I eventually find a sidewalk on Ohio street. Those Ohioans sure know how to do things right, think I. 

Right away, I run right by an object on the walkway. I know I ought to just keep running and minding my own business, but instead, I stop and turn around to examine it. It turns out to be something I've never encountered on a run before: a dildo. I know what you're thinking: "You're not going to touch that thing, are you, Dan?" Well, of course, I am. I do, however, hesitate a little. Recalling that the Coronavirus doesn't live long on surfaces, I determine that I'm probably safe from that disease. Of course, I'm aware that other germs may be present as well. After all, we don't know exactly where this thing has been. I try not to think about any of this too much as I reach for it.

Picking it up, I realize that it's much heavier than I anticipated. Yet it's rubbery and slightly flexible. It's kind of deep purple-ish in color, but it's hard to tell in the dark. I consider that this is the first dildo I've held in I don't know how long. (How's that for ambiguity?) The next obvious question is, what do I do with it now? 

I consider how pleasantly surprised Debbie the Lady Adventurer would be if I brought it back to her. Hey, I think, I can even put it in a box, like in the Saturday Night Live skit. Imagine her delight! Also, imagine how I would look running back into the hotel holding the thing.

No, I think I had better leave it be. But this presents a problem. I actually have a personal rule that if I pick up any detritus during a run, I then own it. If I decide to get rid of it again, I must dispose of it properly, rather than just discarding it back where I found it. In this case, however, I make an exception and I do replace the dildo close to where I found it. I do, however, ensure that it's in an upright position this time.

I get home and wash my hands. I tell Lady A. about it. Turns out that she would not have been delighted at all if I'd brought it back.

Maybe someone else will find it and be able to put it to good use.